Humiliation was the first word that came to mind. This weekend was a disaster. I pretended that everything was going to be wonderful and movie like drama. I had dreamed about this moment for the last 2 years for christ sake!
he was finally going to be here, in California, but wait to see me? No, I was just a reason to visit Hollywood with his friend. I should have know from that moment he told me he wouldn't come to see me alone... I had no idea how immature all of this was. I should have just recognized the signs and moved on, but how could I? I had been telling myself that this one person was my future... God, was I wrong.
The day started out hectic. He would txt me once saying "well I almost made it...," so was that up for interpretation? I thought he gave up half way thru and went back home... He never got back to me that day. So there is hitch one; not communicating with me properly?
Then as I walked down Hollywood Blvd looking for the two of them, I see them and I just saw in his face how unexcited he was to see me... I felt at that moment that it wasn't what I thought it was. So I played along for the night and he backed away from me almost every time. I felt so defeated. As the night wound down I let them stay at my apartment and nothing out of the ordinary happened. I couldn't sleep, and every time he turned towards me felt like he was pushing me away. I wasn't going down without a fight.
The next day I hope to erase from my memory completely.
I offered to go to Irvine with them to go hiking and to the beach. While his friend thought I was cool, I could feel this hatred seep thru as it took over my thoughts, he tried his best to keep his distance and say snide things to me such as; "Oh my roommate called so I thought something was wring with my cat, that is why I hung up on you while you were lost on the high way," and "You can't be sad if you are coming with us," and my favorite thing of all(after spending 2 years avoiding all men so I could prove to this jackass how faithful I was, all the while why he dated a girl in Colorado, and all the while only telling me how much he missed me when he was drunk.) I said "I think this was a bad idea me coming, you obviously down't want me here." and without skipping a beat he said "Well its up to you."
I have been furious before, and this time I couldn't control it. I screamed and kicked and called my mom and my sister and my friend Brittany, all who know everything about this boy and only my little sister believed us to be "soulmates," but everyone else really knew him and was relieved I finally saw what was really happening.
Two years of my life... He had no idea how hard I fought for him and now I will never tell him because if you noticed in any of the quote above, there was never a "sorry I made you feel that way" or "Ilissa, you know I know me and you have been through a lot together, but I don't want this to progress."
Maybe something better with that last one, but communicating to me how you are feeling and letting me believe you wanted to Marry me is bullshit. So now you will hopefully know why the last thing I will ever say to him was "you're a Jerk."
And he responded with a subtle "U act like were in the 3rd grade." Apparently we are still in the third grade since we can't even show our intelligence through a text message. I don't hate society, necessarily, but I am disappointed in how people communicate. It's outstanding that people have the nerve to ignore how they make other people feel. Its unjustified. And I am tired of the man I loved never letting me speak about it.
This was a crazy day, but I slept it off and stopped thinking so much about the good times and bad times, I actually went to the beach with some new friends and then a BBQ with some old friends and then on a date with an amazing guy who actually made me feel worth everything I have made myself. And don't say anything about a "grieving period," you can't lose something you never had... :)
I am happy today. Thanks to a combine effort and a small misfortune,
Have a wonderful day!
xoxo
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