Friday, June 24, 2011

A Good Love Story Has No Time Limit/Good Love Stories Have No Time Limit (My Monologue)

Now that I am getting older, well my mid twenties, I can't see the horizon as clearly as I could before I met you.  I didn't even want you in the beginning, because I wanted this time to be different and it was, but now I can't stop thinking about how happy you are with out me.

I've never felt like I wanted to cry all the time, but held it in, until today, all while you were getting settled for the second time in LA...  If you think about it, its like you got the chance to go back in time and you got to choose the path you didn't take the first time, except you still met me and you still left me and I feel all the repercussions of your decision.  Thats not how I was told time travel works.  Lets just say I wish it was that way so I wouldn't have to remember you, just like you'll forget me.

I still have yet to see your face since I dropped you off at the airport.  I honestly feel like it isn't real.  Like I am in a bad dream where I can't get to you and I am watching from Facebook like its the other side of a mirror.  You and I, we weren't finished.  I can feel it pump through me like a light that starts in my lungs and makes it down to my toes and all the way thru to my eyes, but turns out those are just tears.  Not because you hurt me by doing wrong, but in fact, you have broken my heart.  I didn't realize how invested I was.  Yet I do remember all the new things I tried with you in a relationship and they were working and I know you felt it too until I let you go on the plane.  So really I am back to our "self destructing ways." Its my fault I couldn't convince you to stay with me.  I knew you felt more with me, than anyone in a long time, you just went back to a familiar area and a familiar face.  You were so close to embracing something different and better, but you went back for "history."

I keep thinking of when we will see each other again.  Will I rush a speech and ruin something we might of had as friends?  Or will I wait for you to speak to me?  I wish I could think of a way where we both walk away satisfied, knowing we loved.  I wish that was all I needed and you wish it was all you had to do,  because, unlike me, you keep having luck and haven't been out of a relationship since you were in your teens...

I know my honesty isn't something you really want now, you'd want me to lie to you and tell you I hate you for what you did to me because that would be the easy way out.  The truth is the world isn't big enough to get away from each other.

I cried when I left you at the airport, not because I was sad that you would be gone for "only a month," no, it was because I felt you pull away from me, like the last time we would ever see each other.  I knew it was the end, its the reality.  I finally wanted to commit to someone, and for me, that was a feat.  And in my mind I had, but you got what you wanted.

You said I made your night, the last night you were in town.  You saw me from across the bar as you were surrounded by other women and you looked me dead in the eye and parted them like you couldn't be away from me for a minute longer,  following the day before you said I was your girlfriend, you "movie momented" that all on your own.  All of this was/is a huge deal to me, more than anything since this other boy named Conor, whom in the long run also let me down, five years ago.   So I guess what I really want to say is that I don't trust anyone easily and since you made me feel safe with you I feel betrayed by you.  You can't say sorry enough for something so deep.  So I have decided I can't be your friend, at least not currently.  But my fault for not leaving you in the first place when you gave that waiter money for talking to me like a whore.  You didn't have my back then and I should have known then, but I wanted you to prove me wrong and that night in your van after Chris', you did!  However, I did finally realize the night before you're last night in LA, at my show, the picture, the phone call, everything was all wrong.  I couldn't stand it.  So I decided I was just going to have fun with you one more time, you're the only one who would come to the dance floor with me and be as carefree as me.  I could scream until my lungs dry out that I wish you would change your mind, but you wouldn't hear me.  I love you.  I read somewhere to say how you feel so you won't regret not saying it, I believe them.

Truth be told, I really wish I got the chance to say this to you in person.
So as I sit here and still get butterflies when I think about you a jillion times a day, I know I won't ever have what we had again...

But...



Wholeheartedly, I would do it all over again, but better, of course.
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Thursday, June 23, 2011

The Reason, or Is There Always A Reason?

All I can say to the boys who dedicated Otowns 'all or nothing' to me, is thank you for noticing... I wanna cuss, but I know it would feel unnatural. I just wish it wasn't so obvious... god, I know you have nothing to do with love, but could you not send it my way anymore, I'm tired and worn out from doing everything right and still not being the one. What is happening?
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