I want to skip this holiday season... I just want to celebrate my moms birthday in peace. One: I'm broke, all the time. Two: I don't like celebrating a fictisious character just so shitty consumer selves just to feel good about ourselves by buying shit we don't need or buying shit because you have no idea what other people actually like. Three: Honestly, I am not trying to come off selfish, I just know ill be disappointed and I've gone thru this every year on New Years Eve since college when my crush kissed someone else in front of me so its been the samething every year. How can you honestly look forward to anything after that? Its a lot more complicated then this, of course, so I'm sorry in advance, bc the guy I've dreamed about since I was a little girl finally manifested and he's just not that into me, do I keep fighting for him? And the men that I have let into my life prior to my discovery are great, all of you, some more than others, but I am not looking for you anymore... and I know there are better ways to say it, but I'm sorry, that was the weaker, unconfident me. I'm not sure what the future holds, but I know you won't be holding me. The worst part is that I feel bad for me for feeling bad for all my ex's because somewhere down inside of me I was supposed to run back to one of you, but I can't. I get bored easily and I realize that now. I am hard to please, but always looking to please. Which, in turn now, has lead me to checking my new crush's facebook everyday just to see if he had written an inside joke just to see if he cared at all about me. But that is also so selfish of me because I honestly have been a slut my entire life, I've lied, I've cheated, I've tried to love someone but couldn't. I have never gotten revenge on anyone though. That's not my thing. Ill cry in my car for hours and drink until it pains me... but ill never think to wreck havoc on you after you've hurt me. I'm taken for granted tho. I give you everything up front when I'm attracted to you and hope for the best. I also believe in love at first sight. I have never had it reciprocated by the one I'm interested in. Its always been bums or random black guys on the street whom don't respond well to being completely ignored. IS THAT FAIR? THAT'S ALL I GET? NOT ONCE HAS IT BEEN THE RIGHT TIME! Never anything past the 3 month "honeymoon" period. I'm like "good luck chuck." This will be more organized when I get to my computer, but for now, fuck the holidays.
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