I fought the Law and the Law Lost.

Humiliation was the first word that came to mind.  This weekend was a disaster.  I pretended that everything was going to be wonderful and movie like drama.  I had dreamed about this moment for the last 2 years for christ sake!

he was finally going to be here, in California, but wait to see me?  No, I was just a reason to visit Hollywood with his friend.  I should have know from that moment he told me he wouldn't come to see me alone... I had no idea how immature all of this was.  I should have just recognized the signs and moved on, but how could I?  I had been telling myself that this one person was my future...  God, was I wrong.

The day started out hectic.  He would txt me once saying "well I almost made it...," so was that up for interpretation?  I thought he gave up half way thru and went back home...  He never got back to me that day.  So there is hitch one; not communicating with me properly?

Then as I walked down Hollywood Blvd looking for the two of them, I see them and I just saw in his face how unexcited he was to see me... I felt at that moment that it wasn't what I thought it was.  So I played along for the night and he backed away from me almost every time.  I felt so defeated.  As the night wound down I let them stay at my apartment and nothing out of the ordinary happened.  I couldn't sleep, and every time he turned towards me felt like he was pushing me away.  I wasn't going down without a fight.

The next day I hope to erase from my memory completely.
I offered to go to Irvine with them to go hiking and to the beach.  While his friend thought I was cool, I could feel this hatred seep thru as it took over my thoughts, he tried his best to keep his distance and say snide things to me such as; "Oh my roommate called so I thought something was wring with my cat, that is why I hung up on you while you were lost on the high way," and "You can't be sad if you are coming with us," and my favorite thing of all(after spending 2 years avoiding all men so I could prove to this jackass how faithful I was, all the while why he dated a girl in Colorado, and all the while only telling me how much he missed me when he was drunk.) I said "I think this was a bad idea me coming, you obviously down't want me here."  and without skipping a beat he said "Well its up to you."

I have been furious before, and this time I couldn't control it.  I screamed and kicked and called my mom and my sister and my friend Brittany, all who know everything about this boy and only my little sister believed us to be "soulmates," but everyone else really knew him and was relieved I finally saw what was really happening.

Two years of my life... He had no idea how hard I fought for him and now I will never tell him because if you noticed in any of the quote above, there was never a "sorry I made you feel that way" or "Ilissa, you know I know me and you have been through a lot together, but I don't want this to progress."

Maybe something better with that last one, but communicating to me how you are feeling and letting me believe you wanted to Marry me is bullshit.  So now you will hopefully know why the last thing I will ever say to him was "you're a Jerk."

And he responded with a subtle "U act like were in the 3rd grade."  Apparently we are still in the third grade since we can't even show our intelligence through a text message.  I don't hate society, necessarily, but I am disappointed in how people communicate.  It's outstanding that people have the nerve to ignore how they make other people feel.  Its unjustified.  And I am tired of the man I loved never letting me speak about it.



This was a crazy day, but I slept it off and stopped thinking so much about the good times and bad times, I actually went to the beach with some new friends and then a BBQ with some old friends and then on a date with an amazing guy who actually made me feel worth everything I have made myself.  And don't say anything about a "grieving period," you can't lose something you never had... :)


I am happy today.   Thanks to a combine effort and a small misfortune,

Have a wonderful day!

xoxo

You Just Gotta Believe.

As many of you two follower that I have, I auditioned for Glee a couple weeks ago! I am way to excited to see what that future holds! I don write this blog so everyone can read it, but eh, we will manage a bigger, more diverse crowd when I become a main character on Glee. This show has changed me, I feel better about me, about the way I see things and the way I act towards the beloved Hollywood "it" crowd. My family and extended family all know about this adventure I am currently on via Facebook, because now anyone and their mother's cat can join, but as reluctant as I am to have them see some rather questionable, yet explainable photos, I was pleased out of my mind when I recieved a letter from my Grandmother, Helen, in her late 80s, who doesnt own a computer, had written me and explained that she loved my audition and hopes I get the part. After I read all this, there is absolutley no doubt in my mind that I will somehow hear from the shows executives soon and be the next main character of the soon to be even more popular due to my attendance, show of GLEE! Thank you all who love me and find me ravishly entertaining and voted!!!! I Believe! I Believe!


This last weekend I got the chance to hangout with some really amazing people. It was a sad time because it was a going away party for one of the funniest people I know, whom I've only been friends with for a couple of months, but we went together like Tina Fey and Amy Poehler(thats who we refer to eachother as). But soon enough she will be back on the west coast making me laugh again in the near future.

I have been going to a nice little karaoke place called happy endings, for the last 2 weeks. It's always people I have met in Hollywood, its all so crazy to see people I've met in different times while residing in LA, come to this perfectly named establishment and hangout. I like it very much. Aside from being purposely flashed last night, I think I have finally found my niche crowd, that always feels good.


but yet again I am off to make some cupcakes probably and will be more excited soon!!!

xoxo

GO GIVE ME STARS FOR GLEE!

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=104552368

Destiny. My Life is Slowly Turning into Lost.

My life is beginning to parallel most episodes of Lost. Isn't that funny how your favorite shows slowly become a weird alternate reality that you are in?

I feel like Jack. Things that are paralleling

Forget What Ya Heard!

There there my little lost mind. Everything always turns out for the better, is that not what everyone believes? I mean, when you think about it, you never just wait around for it to get "better," unless you love being walked on. So for the sake of arguement let's just believe that you make the situation better in due time.

I live in a quaint loft on the very southwest side of Downtown LA. I love my friends, and I'm happy to help out when I can. Soon, I don't think I will be sane enough to "help out." How do you tell the person who is taking advantage of you that they need to move all of their things out before I go nuts and loose some friends? You don't you just ignore things until they "get better."

On a huge side note; I am currently inline to see KICKASS! and my good friend Amy is visiting from Colorado. We had quite the day today as we went to little Tokyo, Ikea of Burbank and now the Theatre!

Yesterday we did a ton as well! Hollywood Blvd was full of racecars and beautiful men driving them, well you couldn't really tell if they were beautiful... they all had hats and sunglasses on :/

Who watched the season premiere of GLEE!?

This weekend I will be perfecting my audition and submitting mid to late next week! Super stoked and well deserved! Destiny, Ima knockin!

Happy Friday! find me on FB and Twitter <3

I am a Run Away

Low and behold the great epihanies at midnight! Here I was trying to tell myself that I don't need a man in my life. I run as far as I can when anyone tries to get close. I have finally figured out some reasoning as to why I feel this way and what I want to do to change it.
One of the greatest lines of our generation was said so recent, most persons have missed out on it. "you alone have ambition, but the key to everything is collaboration," meaning we should help out one another. The ones who have figured this out have already made it! Why can't I find people who want to work just as much as I do?
Not even that, how about someone who wants the same things I do and in the long run, we actually do support eachother?
All this time I was making myself think I didn't need anyone to get things done that I wanted to do. My life has been a 3 hr movie with no hard work and no ending. So what do I need to do?
Friends and family of myself and people I know, and love should come together and do something great!
I can't even begin to tell you how insignificant I feel wanting to be an actress, almost all my life, yet the people who are close to me only see it as a new "flavor of the week" type deal and I am here to prove them wrong. Though why can't we all work together?
Where are my film making friends who love to write and have an amazing story to tell? Where are my marketing friends who make the best websites and want to do that for a living? Where are all my musician friends who want to be in a band, and play live shows just to play? Where are all those people who are donating to causes by themselves?
LETS HELP EACH OTHER OUT!
Seriously, I know I'm great at somethings and horrible at others, so where I fall short, others should be strong.

So lets all collaborate and do something big, bc we are only here for a little while so why not make it count?

I want someone who needs me and I them.

thanks for reading,

xoxo

Want to Write My Love.

i love this world, i love this time.
all is different, all is fine.
the things that matter most,
lost matter at all.
you need, you want, you feel, you lost.
for the moments missed and the ones you cant live without.
the one thing i wish is the first time i doubt.
never given a chance, yet loved you fully.
felt the part, but never enough.
two separate births brought together by passion.
years and years will follow. ill sideline the thought, you'll fake yours until you see.
like breakfast at tiffany's, the story will never end

xoxo