I Think All Are Within Reach

GOALS:

-      GET AN AGENT!

o    Dance

o    Acting

-      Improve My Memory Skills to Attack Cold Reading Aud. 100%

-      Become a Series Regular on A Major TV Show

-      Book a Major Movie Role

-      Make demo reel

o     Acting

o    Modeling

o    Dancing

o    Singing

-      Stay Fit!

o    Stretch More

o    Go on More Walks!

-      MAKE MORE MONEY!

-      Network more at screenings/events

o    Find Out When and Where

o    Attend More Film Festivals

-      GET HEADSHOTS RE-DONE

o    Edit Them Nicely

o    Print out a bunch!

o    SEND SEND SEND!

-      Make Hair a More Natural Looking Color, But Still Light Blonde

-      Learn more dance moves for work and auditions

o    Specialty

§      Pole

§      Beyonce

§      Shakira

§      Leg Extensions

-      Practice Songs You Love That Are In Your Range

-      Take a dance Class Once or Twice a Month

o    Samba

o    Ballroom

o    Burlesque

o    Hip Hop

o    Lyrical

-      Drink More Water!

-      Find Good, Fun Christmas Presents ;)

I fought the Law and the Law won.

Humiliation was the first word that came to mind.  This weekend was a disaster.  I pretended that everything was going to be wonderful and movie like drama.  I had dreamed about this moment for the last 2 years for christ sake!

he was finally going to be here, in California, but wait to see me?  No, I was just a reason to visit Hollywood with his friend.  I should have know from that moment he told me he wouldn't come to see me alone... I had no idea how immature all of this was.  I should have just recognized the signs and moved on, but how could I?  I had been telling myself that this one person was my future...  God, was I wrong.

The day started out hectic.  He would txt me once saying "well I almost made it...," so was that up for interpretation?  I thought he gave up half way thru and went back home...  He never got back to me that day.  So there is hitch one; not communicating with me properly?

Then as I walked down Hollywood Blvd looking for the two of them, I see them and I just saw in his face how unexcited he was to see me... I felt at that moment that it wasn't what I thought it was.  So I played along for the night and he backed away from me almost every time.  I felt so defeated.  As the night wound down I let them stay at my apartment and nothing out of the ordinary happened.  I couldn't sleep, and every time he turned towards me felt like he was pushing me away.  I wasn't going down without a fight.

The next day I hope to erase from my memory completely.
I offered to go to Irvine with them to go hiking and to the beach.  While his friend thought I was cool, I could feel this hatred seep thru as it took over my thoughts, he tried his best to keep his distance and say snide things to me such as; "Oh my roommate called so I thought something was wring with my cat, that is why I hung up on you while you were lost on the high way," and "You can't be sad if you are coming with us," and my favorite thing of all(after spending 2 years avoiding all men so I could prove to this jackass how faithful I was, all the while why he dated a girl in Colorado, and all the while only telling me how much he missed me when he was drunk.) I said "I think this was a bad idea me coming, you obviously down't want me here."  and without skipping a beat he said "Well its up to you."

I have been furious before, and this time I couldn't control it.  I screamed and kicked and called my mom and my sister and my friend Brittany, all who know everything about this boy and only my little sister believed us to be "soulmates," but everyone else really knew him and was relieved I finally saw what was really happening.

Two years of my life... He had no idea how hard I fought for him and now I will never tell him because if you noticed in any of the quote above, there was never a "sorry I made you feel that way" or "Ilissa, you know I know me and you have been through a lot together, but I don't want this to progress."

Maybe something better with that last one, but communicating to me how you are feeling and letting me believe you wanted to Marry me is bullshit.  So now you will hopefully know why the last thing I will ever say to him was "you're a Jerk."

And he responded with a sublte "U act like were in the 3rd grade."

A Note.

I never really care to vent, because I usually keep a pretty cool head all the time. I am a diffuser.  A situation diffuser.  I know my new job may put me into a lot of crazy situations, but I need to set some things straight.

I may not have picked the most likable girls to be friends with, but everyone else smokes weed a lot more than I do and/or is busy doing other things or just isn't at my level(not saying its higher or lower, just saying.)  I have moved in with one of the Go Gos, and I want to be here.  She is just a hot head.  She doesn't listen to anyone and talks over everyone, usually saying how much she doesn't understand a situation or how everyone around her is wrong and how she has to say some snide comment every time I try to get us out of a situation.  Myself, needs no defending, but I am tired of defending someone who is morally wrong most of the time.  I almost got fired from a job that I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR, because she wouldn't listen to our boss, I just so happen to be there and was understanding, but couldn't actually say anything because they all were talking over each other!

I am not a trouble maker, I don't like being late to anything, and I would never jeopardize my role at the Whisky.

A side note:  The second night we had ever worked, my boss entrusted me with the role of "leader" and unfortunately I was the only one in the room who heard her say so.  I didn't want to seem snooty to all the other girls so I did my best to tell them how the night was going to go.  Too bad everyone's ego got wild.  Two girls were talking away from each other, no one actually paid attention to what I told them, so everyone did their own thing and, of course, we get in trouble for messing up.  Who got blamed, me, but everyone would have listened if they knew my Boss put me in charge.  Without giving me a chance, she immediately took my power, that I never really had, away and gave it to one of the girls who was  freaking out.  AGAIN, in this situation I never lost my mind or got mad.  It was unfair. And I would make a damn good leader, even though I do it anyway while at work, I just wish I was treated that way.

Moving on, we had to each make our own "FAN PAGES" on Facebook so people won't stalk us, but become fans of our dancing and come to more shows to see us.  Makes sense.  Though while me and my friend were getting a "talking to" I said, "why hasn't anyone else made their "FAN" page yet?"  She lied to me to make me feel bad, and said everyone had.  Lies.  Four of us have, three of us have yet to make theirs... Thanks Boss, I wanna be a star, but I am pissed that you said that.

I want this more than anything and I will fight for my spot on this team, I will be the leader and I will be absolutely humble about it.  I am nice, sincere and I love to dance.  This is what I have been wanting to do my whole life, I just couldn't make sense of it til now.

So if you are listening, reading or anything, I worked for this, and will continue working for this.  I will not be pushed around.

Dog Days of Los Angeles

Usually one would describe 'dog days' as hot, humid and unenjoyable, I don't disagree.  I unfortunately started a new TV series... Nip/Tuck.  Ooops.  Although I have been using my netflix to its full potential, here are some of the movies I have watched!

1. Remember Me- terribly tragic.
2. Julie and Julia - funny and great story.
3. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.  - Cute, Monkey was my favorite part.
4. The Princess Frog. - I laughed a lot.
5. She's Out of My League. - Very Funny.
6. Up in the Air. - Well deserving, but not as good as I thought it would be.
7. The Crazies. - Well Done!
8. Greta.  - Hilary Duff, is really good, she just tries too hard sometimes. But I like her.


Also the entire season 4 of Nip/tuck...

Ugh so glad it is Thursday!
I am now an official employee of the Whisky a Go Go and soon to be a big party in my favor(with 4 other girls of course!)
And Also I will be preforming at Nokia Live this Saturday as a back up dancer for fabulously talented Keira Kang!

Me and My new pal, Zoei, are going to make her look reeeaaalll good, oh yeah!

Come to the WHISKY ON SATURDAY NIGHT!

Things Put Off

Today I actually did my makeup and really got ready for my day... at 2:30pm, but nonetheless, I got ready!

What comforts you most?

Things that I have found out about myself in the last week and half:

I really dislike sleeping on floors...
I need a phone, not want one or could live without one, need.  There are way too many things going on during these days in California and I need to be updated and people need to update me.
I should start dressing like I want to work.  I love me a good pair of jeans and a t-shirt, but my wardrobe needs an update...
I like being online.  I scan through over 1,000 pages a day... and I am never bored.
I need a massage once a month, something to do with carrying a backpack with a terrabite and a 15inch computer around and the scoliosis I have a hard time acknowledging that I have...
I actually, truly enjoy driving.  So much so that I will daze off into thought and miss my exit by 13 miles. :)
I love when I get an email that I can respond back to immediately.  Quit spamming me, I can't actually talk back to you!
I hate that I have never really shown people what I can do, I get nervous just like a lot of people and I tell them "no, its ok I can't really do that anyways," its a lie.  I can, and I will when I have at least one drink in me.  (oh don't judge, you probably have the same issues, you just wish someone would justify the fact that alcohol is bad for you during life situations and big decisions)  Grow some balls, shoot that whiskey and get on with your day.

I don't show very many people what I write.  I am nervous that the people who do know me, will be either embarrassed or they won't like my ideas.  (no thats true, I wish I could say fuck the world, really I would love to.)

I took a picture today.  I really want to know what I want.  It difficult when you want to do so many things, then you end up doing none of them.  Right now I am currently employed with RSM RobbyStarbuckMedia, as a personal assistant.  The company produces music videos for very well known bands and I finally get to be on the crew side.  Don't get me wrong, I love being on camera, I have just realized I am not that good at it.  I will practice, because my dad always says practice makes perfect.  And I truly believe that.

I have started my own music video inspiration file thanks to my new boss and I am sort of getting the hang of all this industry stuff.  Even though I thought I already knew how everything worked.   I am going to start posting what movies I have watched, because I feel like I have watched a lot of them and I have to start remembering what I saw.

MOST RECENT:

1) Up in the Air

2) Its Complicated

3)What Happens in Vegas

4)Catfish

There is way more, but I can't think of them.

Alright, c'est la vie for now!

Its Like I'm Not Real

It all started back two Wednesdays ago.  I can't even believe its been 2 weeks, already.  I was cast in a music video, but ended up working for them on the production side instead, which was awesome.  I got hired on to be the Directors Assistant.  Even more amazing.

Ever since I have:
1) Locked my keys in my car on two separate occassions.
2) Lost my phone, in which turns out I need more than I thought.
3) Have spent more money driving there, then making it.
4) Got my car towed, but bright side, they let me have it back for free.
5) Have not managed to get a new phone for a week.
6) Haven't done laundry in about a month.

And ya know... None of this made me hinder.  I literally have just rolled with it.  I figured out what I need to do and then did what I had to.  Minus the phone thing...

But, you see, this is still a job of a lifetime.  My boss is cool, his family is great and I am actually excited to be the go to person when something is in need.  This is one of, as many of you know, my dreams that I actually attended film school for.  Music videos are something I am highly interested in.

So my point was that I don't feel real.  I feel asleep, this is a very elaborate dream.

Gotta Keep Movin On.

I write to escape.  


I watched a really under rated movie tonight.  Its been on Hulu for almost a year now.  I kept seeing ads for it and thought it was a porn.  I was wrong.  Now I am wondering if it has won any awards.

"Real Life Ain't Like the Movies... Life is just a bunch of stories you go thru and they all end sooner or later."
-  Stevie Long as "Stanny" in Strictly Sexual.


I don't know why, but I teared up a little at the end of this movie.  Thats a lie... I do know why and to clear it up a little bit, the first thing I wrote down was "How do I be better at me?"  Depressing?  I'm not sure.  All I can tell from my reaction is that I am terrible at everything when it comes to dating.  Yeah, I am pretty entertaining, but there is never meeting half way.  I'm attracted, but don't know if I'm serious.  I want to be serious, but I don't know what to do after the initial flirting and getting to know the persons last name... I never feel good enough and anyone who knows me will tell you otherwise.  I just don't know what I am so unsure about!

Although there is always someone I am interested in, or two, or three... I never am able to be alright with just one due to the fear of rejection.  Absolute confidence shaking.  Then I feel like a hypocrite when I can't help getting jealous if they have two or three.  Its a never ending cycle that I can't get out of.

You want to be original and exciting and thought provoking so you can keep the conversation light and fun.  But I can't do all the work all the time... I want someone who is interested in talking back to me about what they want.  I keep finding these really great guys, but have no idea how to keep them around.  Everyone always says "be yourself," and this whole time I believed that doing just that was enough.  Now I come to find you have to compromise and share.  Some of the blame is on me.

I say I hate playing games, and I always seem to get the "you're confusing" line.  I'm either too witty for my own good or I have no idea what I am talking about.  A pet peeve of mine.  Another, when I am talking to someone and they get back to me on all different forms of media... I just want a phone call.

You would think this was me complaining a lot about something I wasn't shaken by, but here I am putting me down.  Its weird and I think I need a vacation.  Aside from that I really do like someone, or I think I do.  Its not helping when he is kind of "hanging out" with another girl who is probably amazing as me, but I feel like I am in a game show like wipeout or ninja warrior... I guess I am going with the flow too much and not really figuring out what I want.

So there you go.  Thats why I teared up... Stupid life quote.