Unsettled

The trick is when you let other people, who you've gotten to know for a couple months, into your life without taking a quiz or a bar exam(which, btw, is a fantastic idea!), and they end up doing things you didn't think we're humanly possible. Such as hurt you.

'This can't be, it took us so long to even get to know each other, why would other people say that about us?' There, right there... OTHER people.

Though I am over it, mostly. The hardest part I've come to realize is the couple of people who involved themselves without asking. Then you find out they tell your closest friend a bunch of crap that didn't even happen. This part is not only hilarious, but frustrating at the same time. Although it is obvious why I received so many gifts.

Furthermore, I've decided that's it, enough with letting people believe they are liked. If you feel the cold shoulder or a hint of indescribable sarcasm, you, my not so good friend, are not someone I like.

The past is the past, yes, but when you hear that you've been wronged too many times by the same person, it's time to let them know, for your own benefit. Who gives a fuck how they feel afterwards, they are the ones who lied and cheated.
Duh...

Why your Girl Best Friend Should be a Guy.

The more you act like the boys the less they like you. The more you act like a girl the less they like you. You act like them, they hate that they may be outwit. Well here's the reall mutha fukin deal y'all: I just want to be loved by a guy. Not any guy, that would be too awkward and way too easy. I want to be loved by someone who thinks and truly believes they know who I really am and love all the crazy. Because even though we girls have a darker side, we also have this cool fun side that no one hardly ever talks about. You just hold on to some old memory where you were hurt or betrayed or left or lost or WHATEVER!
So girls, your best friend: unconditional love, courage, support, independence, truthful, always has your back, drives you when your drunk... but she's a girl. Sawweee as much as I love love love my Bestie, I can't possibly have the same emotion or connection I have and want with a guy. Why can't it be? Why isn't it enough? Is it the sex? Why is that certain connection more powerful than the love of friends or even family?
If its trust, then the hell with it. No one, so far, has proven any sort of trust. Except for the people who put all the cards on the table, like "we are friends, we kiss occassionally when we are drunk, and sometimes we go home together, but we are, by no means, dating or will be seen in public together."
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm tired of that game. Its hard to keep up with and I try to be cool and forgiving, but I always feel stepped on, especially if I, god forbid, say how the other person makes me feel. Run as fast as you can, change your number, move states away and disappear from my life. Is that how you want to treat me? Honestly? What did I do to deserve your neglect?

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Gotta Keep Movin On.

I write to escape.  


I watched a really under rated movie tonight.  Its been on Hulu for almost a year now.  I kept seeing ads for it and thought it was a porn.  I was wrong.  Now I am wondering if it has won any awards.

"Real Life Ain't Like the Movies... Life is just a bunch of stories you go thru and they all end sooner or later."
-  Stevie Long as "Stanny" in Strictly Sexual.


I don't know why, but I teared up a little at the end of this movie.  Thats a lie... I do know why and to clear it up a little bit, the first thing I wrote down was "How do I be better at me?"  Depressing?  I'm not sure.  All I can tell from my reaction is that I am terrible at everything when it comes to dating.  Yeah, I am pretty entertaining, but there is never meeting half way.  I'm attracted, but don't know if I'm serious.  I want to be serious, but I don't know what to do after the initial flirting and getting to know the persons last name... I never feel good enough and anyone who knows me will tell you otherwise.  I just don't know what I am so unsure about!

Although there is always someone I am interested in, or two, or three... I never am able to be alright with just one due to the fear of rejection.  Absolute confidence shaking.  Then I feel like a hypocrite when I can't help getting jealous if they have two or three.  Its a never ending cycle that I can't get out of.

You want to be original and exciting and thought provoking so you can keep the conversation light and fun.  But I can't do all the work all the time... I want someone who is interested in talking back to me about what they want.  I keep finding these really great guys, but have no idea how to keep them around.  Everyone always says "be yourself," and this whole time I believed that doing just that was enough.  Now I come to find you have to compromise and share.  Some of the blame is on me.

I say I hate playing games, and I always seem to get the "you're confusing" line.  I'm either too witty for my own good or I have no idea what I am talking about.  A pet peeve of mine.  Another, when I am talking to someone and they get back to me on all different forms of media... I just want a phone call.

You would think this was me complaining a lot about something I wasn't shaken by, but here I am putting me down.  Its weird and I think I need a vacation.  Aside from that I really do like someone, or I think I do.  Its not helping when he is kind of "hanging out" with another girl who is probably amazing as me, but I feel like I am in a game show like wipeout or ninja warrior... I guess I am going with the flow too much and not really figuring out what I want.

So there you go.  Thats why I teared up... Stupid life quote.