Time Of Yeah.....

I know not who I am, who I can be.

Today Prince died.  I don't seek comfort in the universe, but it has made me open up my emotions and mind to all that I have endured these last couple of weeks.  I think myself as a nice, giving and respectful human.  Wishing I was an alien most of the time.  I can't find what makes me special nowadays.  I can't find my niche or my path or my desires.   I have dreamed of being on stage and being on talk shows talking about my movies or my singing.  That hasn't happened.  Not even a little bit, not even close.  

Knowing what's worse is that I actually started to hate myself.  Hate who I am bc I can't fight my inner self.  Someone else is in here and they keep me from doing so much with my life.  My mother taught not to blame others, and I've never looked to someone else for guidance or answers.   I always got myself out of pickles bc I knew what to say and do to make my situation better.  Where do you go from here?  

I want to be in love and at 29 I imagined I'd have everything I've ever wanted by now.  So it's hard for me to say I believe in always being positive, but I have been so unfocused.  Can't keep being pushed around or just going with the flow.  It's time to have a plan and get things done where I can consistently be happy.  

Unsettled

The trick is when you let other people, who you've gotten to know for a couple months, into your life without taking a quiz or a bar exam(which, btw, is a fantastic idea!), and they end up doing things you didn't think we're humanly possible. Such as hurt you.

'This can't be, it took us so long to even get to know each other, why would other people say that about us?' There, right there... OTHER people.

Though I am over it, mostly. The hardest part I've come to realize is the couple of people who involved themselves without asking. Then you find out they tell your closest friend a bunch of crap that didn't even happen. This part is not only hilarious, but frustrating at the same time. Although it is obvious why I received so many gifts.

Furthermore, I've decided that's it, enough with letting people believe they are liked. If you feel the cold shoulder or a hint of indescribable sarcasm, you, my not so good friend, are not someone I like.

The past is the past, yes, but when you hear that you've been wronged too many times by the same person, it's time to let them know, for your own benefit. Who gives a fuck how they feel afterwards, they are the ones who lied and cheated.
Duh...

A Little Lonely Lesson

After a breakup there are a few choices one has.  

1.  Realize the lesson you learned from loving that person and move on, or 

2.  Realize the person you are giving up might be you... 

I'm not sure why my relationship got so bad.  It was emotionally trying.  After a year with my partner I had gone out and had a couple different jobs and got distracted with work.  It lessened our time together and I slowly grew out of love, but I stayed with him because I made him happy.  

This is three weeks after we broke up after one and a half years together.  I feel like I've made a terrible mistake, will I get over him? Was it a good choice to leave someone who I thought I wasn't attracted to?  I find myself alone a lot now and I am trying to get used to it, but maybe I just needed a break.  I just want to text him and talk.  I don't know if I should be ignoring him so we both have a chance to get over each other or we will keep talking to get to know each other again.

We were supposed to be getting engaged this Christmas so everything is out of whack.

The holidays

I hate em. I always put effort into the wrong things and there's always a male in my life around this time that I shouldn't give two shits about but end up bending in every direction I can for them.

Not this year. I will kiss a girl on New Years if it comes down to it.

My heart wants to be in love and I have to keep telling it to wait. It hates me for it most of the time, but this time it realizes why it needs to spend time out in a corner. 'You love too hard' said a good friend of mine. So I've decided that I have expectations now and you can thank the ones before. I am done just going with the flow. Men don't want that anyway. If you thought anything was hard in life be forewarned that I am not an exception to that rule anymore. If you don't want to spend your time with me then you can suck it. And if I get s txt saying you're sorry you can for sure assume the position to fuck yourself. Words do not speak louder than actions. Recognize, live it love it.

In the spirit of giving I will promise one thing; to give to whom deserve and to stay neutral and use avoidance to those you do not.

Happy holidays, 2012 is coming to an end, I cannot wait for the year that I can say 'I wish [this year]it would never end.' But for now, lets get this bullshit over and done with.

A little vacation, a little inspiration.

The poop shoot has filled and I've brushed off all the shit and emptied the garbage. It'd be a tragedy to let myself lead the life I am in Vegas. It's been 'step on me here' and 'leave my heart there' and every sad song on repeat. Last night I sang like I should have been singing all this time... 25. Lessons like algebra that I have taken more than twice, yet the 20's are made for making mistakes. I have been refusing to learn which brings me to the saying I hate the most, "laugh like you've never cried, love like you've never been hurt." Though we try to go through life as though we haven't been judged, mistreated, broken, miserable, dead inside or hungry... I'm eating now. More things in love need to be taken less seriously. I can repeat this in my head as much as possible and still have a hard time believing. It's gonna be scary the moment I believe in myself.

All dreams aside, I'm going to go back to taking every opportunity that invokes any and all my loves. For movies, dancing, singing and stand up. One day my story will involve all of these things because I can't do it all, but I can do all I can to do what I want.

My ending for today is this; I want a love story, a love to write about, a love to keep secret for myself to figure out and there will be nothing tragic about it. Just a love story, not just a story.

I've lost it...

I've lost the reason I left Los Angeles! I was only supposed to be in Vegas for 3 months... I was supposed to be dancing for an agency. I was supposed to find. 6 month lease. I was supposed to save money to move back to LA and get an agent/manager and continue with stand up. I was supposed to be back for my girls in the pinup troupe. I was supposed to be back to help my girls I lived with who I miss terribly. I was supposed to marry the man of my dreams after e saw me doing so well. I was supposed to do a lot of things....

I'm a little disappointed in myself for many reasons.. Obviously. I need to get my head back in the game and figure some shit out. Where Dino wanna be in 5 years? What am I doing in Vegas? Why am I staying in Vegas? Why haven't I saved as much as I thought I was going to? Why did I let some many people into my life so easily just to watch them easily leave...?

I was told today by an idol of mine that I make excuses. And the first step to recovery is admitting your faults... I am content with where I am but got too comfortable and I have made a ton of excuses... It's time to stop and make some changes.

I also have met a bunch of people I really like and look forward to seeing everyday. I appreciate you all and I hope I have made you feel good whilst around me.

It's time to literally kick myself in the ass and woman up, yes woman up bc every time I say man up... Nothing gets done.

Ha. Stand up here I come for word domination. Fuck everything else(except dance, gonna Ty and incorporate that too)

The insignificance of being 'strong'

This was a post from a friend. The grammar is horrible, but that is not the biggest issue. If you honestly believe you are strong bc you save your tears for later, you are weaker than you think. Here is my take below.