I fought the Law and the Law won.

Humiliation was the first word that came to mind.  This weekend was a disaster.  I pretended that everything was going to be wonderful and movie like drama.  I had dreamed about this moment for the last 2 years for christ sake!

he was finally going to be here, in California, but wait to see me?  No, I was just a reason to visit Hollywood with his friend.  I should have know from that moment he told me he wouldn't come to see me alone... I had no idea how immature all of this was.  I should have just recognized the signs and moved on, but how could I?  I had been telling myself that this one person was my future...  God, was I wrong.

The day started out hectic.  He would txt me once saying "well I almost made it...," so was that up for interpretation?  I thought he gave up half way thru and went back home...  He never got back to me that day.  So there is hitch one; not communicating with me properly?

Then as I walked down Hollywood Blvd looking for the two of them, I see them and I just saw in his face how unexcited he was to see me... I felt at that moment that it wasn't what I thought it was.  So I played along for the night and he backed away from me almost every time.  I felt so defeated.  As the night wound down I let them stay at my apartment and nothing out of the ordinary happened.  I couldn't sleep, and every time he turned towards me felt like he was pushing me away.  I wasn't going down without a fight.

The next day I hope to erase from my memory completely.
I offered to go to Irvine with them to go hiking and to the beach.  While his friend thought I was cool, I could feel this hatred seep thru as it took over my thoughts, he tried his best to keep his distance and say snide things to me such as; "Oh my roommate called so I thought something was wring with my cat, that is why I hung up on you while you were lost on the high way," and "You can't be sad if you are coming with us," and my favorite thing of all(after spending 2 years avoiding all men so I could prove to this jackass how faithful I was, all the while why he dated a girl in Colorado, and all the while only telling me how much he missed me when he was drunk.) I said "I think this was a bad idea me coming, you obviously down't want me here."  and without skipping a beat he said "Well its up to you."

I have been furious before, and this time I couldn't control it.  I screamed and kicked and called my mom and my sister and my friend Brittany, all who know everything about this boy and only my little sister believed us to be "soulmates," but everyone else really knew him and was relieved I finally saw what was really happening.

Two years of my life... He had no idea how hard I fought for him and now I will never tell him because if you noticed in any of the quote above, there was never a "sorry I made you feel that way" or "Ilissa, you know I know me and you have been through a lot together, but I don't want this to progress."

Maybe something better with that last one, but communicating to me how you are feeling and letting me believe you wanted to Marry me is bullshit.  So now you will hopefully know why the last thing I will ever say to him was "you're a Jerk."

And he responded with a sublte "U act like were in the 3rd grade."

A Note.

I never really care to vent, because I usually keep a pretty cool head all the time. I am a diffuser.  A situation diffuser.  I know my new job may put me into a lot of crazy situations, but I need to set some things straight.

I may not have picked the most likable girls to be friends with, but everyone else smokes weed a lot more than I do and/or is busy doing other things or just isn't at my level(not saying its higher or lower, just saying.)  I have moved in with one of the Go Gos, and I want to be here.  She is just a hot head.  She doesn't listen to anyone and talks over everyone, usually saying how much she doesn't understand a situation or how everyone around her is wrong and how she has to say some snide comment every time I try to get us out of a situation.  Myself, needs no defending, but I am tired of defending someone who is morally wrong most of the time.  I almost got fired from a job that I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR, because she wouldn't listen to our boss, I just so happen to be there and was understanding, but couldn't actually say anything because they all were talking over each other!

I am not a trouble maker, I don't like being late to anything, and I would never jeopardize my role at the Whisky.

A side note:  The second night we had ever worked, my boss entrusted me with the role of "leader" and unfortunately I was the only one in the room who heard her say so.  I didn't want to seem snooty to all the other girls so I did my best to tell them how the night was going to go.  Too bad everyone's ego got wild.  Two girls were talking away from each other, no one actually paid attention to what I told them, so everyone did their own thing and, of course, we get in trouble for messing up.  Who got blamed, me, but everyone would have listened if they knew my Boss put me in charge.  Without giving me a chance, she immediately took my power, that I never really had, away and gave it to one of the girls who was  freaking out.  AGAIN, in this situation I never lost my mind or got mad.  It was unfair. And I would make a damn good leader, even though I do it anyway while at work, I just wish I was treated that way.

Moving on, we had to each make our own "FAN PAGES" on Facebook so people won't stalk us, but become fans of our dancing and come to more shows to see us.  Makes sense.  Though while me and my friend were getting a "talking to" I said, "why hasn't anyone else made their "FAN" page yet?"  She lied to me to make me feel bad, and said everyone had.  Lies.  Four of us have, three of us have yet to make theirs... Thanks Boss, I wanna be a star, but I am pissed that you said that.

I want this more than anything and I will fight for my spot on this team, I will be the leader and I will be absolutely humble about it.  I am nice, sincere and I love to dance.  This is what I have been wanting to do my whole life, I just couldn't make sense of it til now.

So if you are listening, reading or anything, I worked for this, and will continue working for this.  I will not be pushed around.