I write to escape.
I watched a really under rated movie tonight. Its been on Hulu for almost a year now. I kept seeing ads for it and thought it was a porn. I was wrong. Now I am wondering if it has won any awards.
"Real Life Ain't Like the Movies... Life is just a bunch of stories you go thru and they all end sooner or later."
- Stevie Long as "Stanny" in Strictly Sexual.
I don't know why, but I teared up a little at the end of this movie. Thats a lie... I do know why and to clear it up a little bit, the first thing I wrote down was "How do I be better at me?" Depressing? I'm not sure. All I can tell from my reaction is that I am terrible at everything when it comes to dating. Yeah, I am pretty entertaining, but there is never meeting half way. I'm attracted, but don't know if I'm serious. I want to be serious, but I don't know what to do after the initial flirting and getting to know the persons last name... I never feel good enough and anyone who knows me will tell you otherwise. I just don't know what I am so unsure about!
Although there is always someone I am interested in, or two, or three... I never am able to be alright with just one due to the fear of rejection. Absolute confidence shaking. Then I feel like a hypocrite when I can't help getting jealous if they have two or three. Its a never ending cycle that I can't get out of.
You want to be original and exciting and thought provoking so you can keep the conversation light and fun. But I can't do all the work all the time... I want someone who is interested in talking back to me about what they want. I keep finding these really great guys, but have no idea how to keep them around. Everyone always says "be yourself," and this whole time I believed that doing just that was enough. Now I come to find you have to compromise and share. Some of the blame is on me.
I say I hate playing games, and I always seem to get the "you're confusing" line. I'm either too witty for my own good or I have no idea what I am talking about. A pet peeve of mine. Another, when I am talking to someone and they get back to me on all different forms of media... I just want a phone call.
You would think this was me complaining a lot about something I wasn't shaken by, but here I am putting me down. Its weird and I think I need a vacation. Aside from that I really do like someone, or I think I do. Its not helping when he is kind of "hanging out" with another girl who is probably amazing as me, but I feel like I am in a game show like wipeout or ninja warrior... I guess I am going with the flow too much and not really figuring out what I want.
So there you go. Thats why I teared up... Stupid life quote.
